Woke this morning to find that my things in the bathroom had been tidied.  Since my roommate will casually set down a t-shirt on the coffee table and leave it there for 6 months if i don’t move it, I’m assuming this is the work of his 12:30am booty call. Thanks, booty call lady. You have made me burn with anger.

I tidy things. I am a tidier.  I have tidy issues. I will make my boyfriend’s bed and put everything in his living room at right angles. I don’t do this for him. I do it for me. So that I can work on my laptop in peace, without thinking about how that plastic set of truck nuts is off center and DOES NOT GO THAT WAY. In other words, I understand the urge to tidy.

Onlyguesswhat? I didn’t start doing this until he was my boyfriend, and more importantly, my boyfriend doesn’t live with anyone, especially not another girl.  If he did, and if i was merely dating him or boning with him once in the middle of the night, I would not tidy or rearrange common areas.  And i wouldn’t tidy up his female roommate’s obviously women’s hair products and deoderants, ever, nor would i ONLY tidy up her stuff. Because I’d worry that a) since it’s my first time ever in his house, it might be construed as rude, that b) his female roommate might take me tidying her things as an insinuation that she was slovenly and a silent instruction from me, miss midnight makeout manners, on how to be a good woman and c) that the female roommate in question might actually be so anal retentive about neatness (in her apartment in which male roommate only rents a room) that her leaving deoderant on its side for once in her life was actually a conscious, “fuck keeping things clean, i hate it here now and will clean when he’s gone,” reaction to how much the non-dish-doing guy i was sleeping with has pissed her off by not paying his rent or bills for the final 6 weeks of his tenancy and given all this that d) if i did tidy her things, she might want to punch my face.

having considered all of these things i would just pee and go back to bed. that’s what I would do. but i am not my roommate’s booty call.  and i am grateful for that, because in case you hadn’t picked up on it yet, my roommate annoys me.