I wasn’t able to write about this yesterday because I was busy having a nervous breakdown and disliking myself. 

I Like: My friend Veronica, who came over within 5 minutes of receiving my call and talked me out of it for an hour in the middle of the day and then forced me out of the house for lunch. She did not dodge my call or tell me she was busy as she would have been completely within her rights to do on short notice on a wednesday morning. She reassured me that my chief fear in life, which is that if I become too much trouble, the people I love will say “too much work!” and stop being my friends, is unfounded. 

I Dislike: The fact that my job requires me to sit in a room all day, when the best thing for me would be to be out in the world with other people. If i leave I feel anxious about the chapter I must write in the next month and a half if I want to have a chance at funding/to not be embarrassed when I send it to the nice guys who asked me to contribute to their book. If I stay inside, I eventually crack under the weight of the emotion and anxiety I have to keep ignoring to be able to sit still in that room by myself and not start worrying about what a mess I am. I’ve never wanted to be all by myself, but every job I seem to get and everything I do that ever gets singled out for praise involves me sitting in a room by myself. I know everyone who is at a job right now is jealous of my situation, and for good reason. There’s a lot to like about writing at home. But I want you to know that I’m jealous of yours, too. Work friends. Water coolers. Lunch breaks. People. People. People. I miss it.